I felt severely anxious, sad and traumatized. Being a highly sensitive person and unaware of this. I clenched onto the pain the girl must have been experiencing. Not wanting to let her go. At our next dance competition the Oregon team also came in support of the missing girl (Miranda). A few days pass and one more dance team girl disappears.
Both girls lived in the same apartment complex. My anxiety is high, off the charts even. I couldn’t sleep at night. My thoughts circle vigorously. I felt as if I was closer to the situation then in reality I really was. For instance, the emotional pain levels were maxed out as if I was getting negative painful vibes from the girls themselves or a close family or friends experiencing the emotional pain.
The police investigated Ward Weaver who abducted both girls killed them slid them into wooden crates. Ward weaver dug a hole in his backyard and put a slab of cement over the area. I’d say this was my first time in my teen years to experience intense life changing anxiety.
Emotonal Break Up
It’s been a windey, out of control path. At 18 I realized I no longer wanted to live. I felt things too deeply. I need help after an emotional break up. I went from 120 pounds to 100 pounds in a week. I then started seeing a therapist and asking for help. My therapist wasn’t quite giving me clear answers; related to fixing my anxiety and depression. Thus I stopped going to her appointments. Talking therapy at that point in my life seemed pointless.
A couple years passed by. I was inside my parent’s house with my sister, my nephew and my mom. My sisters ex boyfriend was hurt by my sisters attempt to break up. Mike brought a can of gasoline into my parent’s home pouring gasoline over the furniture and then at my feet. Luckily we all made it out of the house before he lit it on fire.
After the arson fire I had a meltdown. I thought no one could help me. I was placed in an intensive outpatient program. At this point I was taught you need to be working hard on your own mental health. Research the heck out of your illnesses. Be sure to try and understand DBT and CBT. Understanding why certain triggers occur is quite important.
Kaiser taught me about meditation, mindfulness, and Radical Acceptance. Training was through Kaiser Permanentes Intensive Outpatient Trauma Therapy which lasted last one month. The month long therapy was amazing! Nothing can ever compare to real Trauma Therapy I received.
Trauma Therapy
I was heartbroken when I had to leave. I was advised I could no longer see the trauma therapist. This broke me. From there I was tossed off to a random therapist who didn’t understand me or how to interact with someone who dissociative or has panic attacks.
The psychotherapist had a way of filling my perspective upside down. It helped me see a more beautiful outcome of life. I felt I could use a little extra help. Thus I started treatment through Columbia River Mental Health. The biggest waste of a year in my life. I sat with a PTSD therapist an hour a week. He didn’t really have much to say. I researched how to stop my triggers when I heard sirens.
I’d just tell myself “they are helping someone “. My therapist sat there smiling like it was his idea. Haha far from it. A few years later I have new trigger and feel a brush up is in order. I decided to attend Lifeline for the summer for their Mental Health Services.
My therapy is going okay. I can tell it’s hard for my therapist to connect with me. I attempt to attend two classes a week one on Mindfulness/Meditation/Trauma Art Therapy and the other class is Seeking Safety. I’m also learning there are quite a few types of therapy out there sometimes you must be very picky about who you choose to be your therapist.
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